


Ninja Sex Party Comes To Middle Earth

by orphan_account



Series: Music Comes To Middle Earth [1]
Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Beorn's House, Gandalf could totally fix an ipod, Music, Sexual Humor, ninja sex party
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-06
Updated: 2016-05-06
Packaged: 2018-06-06 18:56:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 900
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6765850
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Company gets introduced to Ninja Sex Party</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ninja Sex Party Comes To Middle Earth

Two months. You’ve been stuck in Middle Earth for two months now, As much as you love these crazy dwarves, You miss listening to your Ipod like CRAZY. Many say their phone is their lifeline, but for you, it has always been your music. From Queen to Kesha to Ninja Sex Party. Ah, NSP; they were the last band you got to listen to and now remain stuck in your head.

“What are you humming there?” You pulled your attention away from your fraying shoelaces to see Fili and Kili sitting on each side of you. The earlier of the two with an expecting look.

“Aye, do tell. You have been humming it for days now. Even we know the tune.”

“Well, perhaps if you didn’t decide to add me to your inseparable duo, you wouldn’t have that problem” you teased. It’s true; Fili and Kili have been beside you since day one. They always make sure to keep your  spirits up; your sanity would probably be much lower without them.

Kili pressed a hand to his heart and gasped. “Are you saying you wish to rid yourself of our company?”

“I guess we should get going, Brother.”

You quickly pulled them back down to the floor, “No!”

“Well, Fee, it seems we are just too irresistible.” The classic Kili smile and wink make their return.

You rolled your eyes “I changed my mind; you can go.”

“All this doesn’t answer the question, Y/N. What were you humming? We are genuinely curious.” Fili asked once again, this time with a chuckle.

“Well, it was the last thing I was about to listen to before my Ipod died. It’s by a band called Ninja Sex Party, or NSP for short.”

Apparently, everyone was listening to us because Dwalin chimed in with, “What are Ninjas? Do they always have these parties for sex?”

You couldn’t help but giggle at that last part. “No, Dwalin, they don’t have actual sex parties. It’s just the name of the band. As for your first question, a ninja is a very skilled fighter that sneaks around to get its kills.”

“Sounds like a coward to me.” Of course, that’s what Dwalin cares about. “If you’re going to fight do it head on.”

“Again. This doesn’t answer my question. What. Are. You. Humming?”

You swear these Durin brothers always make your eyes roll. It’s an automatic guarantee at this point. “Well, I  _ was _ explaining before the big teddy bear over there interrupted me.” You shot a half-hearted glare towards Dwalin.

Between the snickers of the company you could hear Dwalin grunt something that sounded like “Not a teddy bear.”

“So, as I was saying. NSP is a comedy band that centers around dick and sex jokes. The leader singer and songwriter goes by the name Danny Sexbang.  Ninja Brian is the keyboard player of the group. He doesn’t actually talk; he just communicates through his middle fingers and anger. I would play some songs for you, but my music player died weeks ago.”

“Bring it here, my dear.” Gandalf motioned you over with his pipe. “A little magic should help.” He sent a small light through your Ipod, and it turned on. “There we go…I think.”

“Gandalf! Thank you! You’re a lifesaver.” You threw your arms around him before running back to your spot on the floor.

“So, do we finally get to know the answer my question now, Y/N?”

“Yes, Fili. You can know the answer now. Okay, this is the song I was humming.” You clicked on ‘FYI I Wanna F Your A’ and the music started flowing through the speakers.

“When he-”

“Shh. Listen.” When a disappointed Danny had no one to F in the A. Everyone was looking at you. Most had an amused smile while the older generation had a slightly disapproving look. “What? I said it was about dicks and sex.”

“What does he mean by bust an N on your chest?” Ori asked with a blush.

You just had to giggle. “Aww. Ori, you’re so innocent. It’s adorable” The laughs that rang out made Ori blush even more.

“He means he wants to finish on her chest, lad. Dori, you shelter him too much. He’s never gonna know how to please a woman at this rate” Dwalin answered.  Dori probably could look more scandalized.

“I-I’m not adorable. A-and I could do just fine with a woman.” Ori squeaked, positively glowing red.

“Really? So, Ori, tell me- OW” A swift elbow to the ribs stopped Kili from continuing.

“Kili, leave him alone. We don’t need to embarrass him even more. Ori, I’m sure when the time comes, and you find the right girl, you be able to figure it out. It’s not as hard as people make it out to be.”

“Well,  _ something _ has to be hard, or you are doing it completely wrong.”  Whoa, now that was new. Thorin coming in with a sex joke.

“I quite liked those lads. Can we hear more?” You figured Bofur would be the one to like them the best. The choir of agreement left only one answer.

**Bonus scene:**

“Could this get any worse?” You groan sitting in the cells of Mirkwood.

“Of course, it could,” Ori answered

“How?”

“We could all have no reason boners.” Hearing the laughter of the company made your dark cell a little more comfortable.

**Author's Note:**

> You can also find my writing on tumblr: http://specialagentcupcake.tumblr.com/fics


End file.
